Twister

Something I realized this week (and you'll see how ironic this is in a sec) is how quickly I forget things. Say I'll have this brilliant, supposedly life-changing realization. Well, reading my 2004 diary entries the other day, I discovered that two years ago I was experiencing practically the very same "life-changing" "realizations", I've just forgotten all about them in the meantime! In fact, if I remember correctly, I forgot them about two seconds after thinking of them; at the very instant some goodlooking, nice boy walked into the scene. Damn!

Dr. Phil says (I will start sentences like this unapologetically) that the past is the best predictor of future behaviour. Does that mean that at age 31 I'm locked in whatever pattern I've been playing out since god knows when? And even this train of thought I'm having right now has been played out in my mind before, who knows how many times? And when I say "who knows" don't ask me: my mind is swiss cheese.

So what should I do? Dr. Phil says (uh-huh) that the only thing that can change the pattern of past behaviour is some seriously dramatic event. He doesn't usually give examples when he says this, so I'm not sure if going "oh my god! look what i'm doing, i'm repeating things!" constitutes a dramatic event. Feels dramatic, but is probably low on the global scale of drama. I wonder, does this mean I should be *more* dramatic? Relax, that was a joke.

For now I've taken the analytical observer pose. That means, I'm sort of stalking myself. Watching and waiting. I take mental notes and then I tell myself all about them, in lengthy conversations over hot cocoa and biscuits. We chatter all night, me and myself. Sometimes we don't see eye to eye, but in the end, we're good pals. I wonder what will happen, though, as soon as some goodlooking, nice boy walks in the room mid-chatter.