The Double

I'm addicted to quickening my breath, to the verge of fainting or wanting to throw up, which I don't. I don't know why, and I won't admit how I do it, but I do.

I'll put it like this: when I was young, and we lived in tranquil Montreal West, I would leave our house in the middle of the night just to walk around the block and be outside in the dark, when there was no one else there. As a grown-up, in the city, this sounds normal. But in MoWest, there really is no one on the street at night that should be there. Another thing I liked to do was lie in the middle of my street, because I knew no cars were coming but they *could* be. I know it all sounds lame now, but it was thrilling, and that's what I'm talking about. Making a contemporary, white, comfortably well-off, sometimes traumatic, but socially well adapted life exhilarating, if only in my imagination.

And then I spend the other half of my time trying not to be like this at all, because I actually despise it. It's like those kids who feel compelled to eat crap on a dare. Of course it's disgusting, but the worst part isn't the crap, it's your stupid addiction to doing it. The part you can't control.

Do you ask people questions you don't want to hear the answer to? Have you read someone else's email? Do you eavesdrop on people talking about your loved ones? Do you read the gruesome news that haunts you? Did you ever ask a kid to beat you up? Do you sabotage? And if so, can you tell me why?