leaps and bounds of faith

Back at work, only in body. I used my university days technique: "don't think about why you're getting up, just do it". And then I come to work and continue "not thinking about it" but I can't help looking around and seeing everyone chugging away at their laptops, inhuman work.
This is easy work, anyone could do it. So why is it so hard?
When I was fed up at Events the winter of 2004 I wanted to quit and just write and I called my mother and told her about it and she said, quite to my surprise, that I should. That I should take the leap of faith, that things would work out for me. But I quickly got scared, mostly of being poor, and I didn't do it. And now I feel the same. Most of me wants to quit, like, now. But then this other mean side of me reminds me I may not be able to pay the rent. What have I gotten myself into?

Anyway, I'm not working at all today. I guess I did, but in body only. I told you: anybody could do it with their mind closed.

Want to open a sex shop? A movie memoribilia store? A DJ Marketing enterprise? Let's do something where we get to walk around and hang out in different places, not always the same. Let's meet new people all the time and work on the big picture. Let's make a living out of the great part of life that is NOT cold-hearted like a reptile.

Will I be convinced this time or will I lose again? Stay tuned. In the meantime, I liked this:

Mr. Jeavons Said That I Was A Very Clever Boy

Mr. Jeavons, the psychologist at the school, once asked me why 4 red cars in a row made it a Good Day, and 3 red cars in a row made it a Quite Good Day, and 5 red cars in a row made it a Super Good Day, and why 4 yellow cars in a row made it a Black Day, which is a day when I don't speak to anyone and sit on my own reading books and don't eat my lunch and Take No Risks. He said that I was clearly a very logical person, so he was surprised that I should think like this because it wasn't very logical.

I said that I liked things to be in a nice order. And one way of things being in a nice order was to be logical. Especially if those things were numbers or an argument. But there were other ways of putting things in a nice order. And that was why I had Good Days and Black Days. And I said that some people who worked in an office came out of their house in the morning and saw that the sun was shining and it made them feel happy, or they saw that it was raining and it made them feel sad, but the only difference was the weather and if they worked in an office the weather didn't have anything to do with whether they had a good day or a bad day.

I said that when Father got up in the morning he always put his trousers on before he put his socks on and it wasn't logical but he always did it that way, because he liked things in a nice order, too. Also whenever he went upstairs he went up two at a time, always starting with his right foot.

Mr. Jeavons said that I was a very clever boy.

-Mark Haddon, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time