She bangs the drums

(English follows)

Hablando con Amy anoche, mencioné otro antiguo pensamiento (como la decisión de la Vida Pequeña): que si existe la reencarnación, entonces estoy segura de que soy una alma joven.

Sé que mis ideas son superficiales y mis medios de expresión son débiles o simples, en el mejor de los casos. Esto no es falsa modestia. Son mis limitaciones y las tengo claras.

Hay gente realmente brillante en mi vida. Ennegrecida por el tiempo, saben de lo que hablan. Yo sólo estoy aquí para aprender.

Y si algo que debería decir como preludio de mis pequeños pensamientos, como la Vida Pequeña, es que: no estoy pidiendo disculpas. Esta soy yo.

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Llueve y está nublado en Montreal este sábado. Rica lluvia primaveral. Lástima que sea en fin de semana no más. Cómo estará el tiempo en Europa hoy? Me llega mail de una amigo en Londres. Estuve conversando con la Mariana por MSN, explicándole las no-sutilezas de los ingleses. Estoy terminado de leer el Lobo Estepario.

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Talking to Amy last night I mentioned another old thought (like the Small Life decision): if there is such a thing as reincarnation then I am sure that I'm a young soul.

I know my ideas are superficial and my means of expression weak or simple at best. This is not false modesty. These are my limitations that I am well aware of.

There are some really bright people in my life. Blackened with time, they know what they're talking about. Me, I'm just here to learn.

And if there's anything I should say to prelude my little thoughts, like the Small Life, it's that: hey, I'm not apologizing. This is who I am.

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Went to see the Hot Hot Heat last night. Too loud. Blinded by the lights. Left before it ended. Yes, of course, my father says it's because I'm 30 now... Mehbe.

Saw Meet the Fockers with him today at the Dollar Cinema. Then some grocery shopping at the Loblaw's up on Park and Jean Talon. TOTALLY different from my little Plateau marché... Lots of Indian men on their own. It's just another crowd, I guess.

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Have you seen and have you heard the way she plays? There are no words to describe the way I feel. -The Stone Roses, She Bangs The Drums

It's lot like life

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Hand me my sentence
I’ll show no repentance
I’ll suffer with pride
If for honesty you want apologies
I don’t sympathize
For kindness you substitute blindness
Please open your eyes
Condemnation
Why?
Because my duty was always to beauty
That was my crime.

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Condemnation is a song by Depeche Mode. Depeche Mode me recuerda a Pancho, y en segundo lugar a Julio Osses, la Cecilia Amenabar y el Velodromo Nacional.

Superhuman

(traducción al español a continuación)

I had this conversation with my friend Luis some years ago, in a night club. I had some pretty good conversations sitting on the red plush bench that ran around the club, while everyone else danced to the DJs. I never danced. I just sat on the bench –I even had a nap once- and talked to whoever needed a break from the dancing.

So I had this one conversation with Luis in which I expressed my nascent theory about how the Best Life is the Small Life. I can’t remember, unfortunately, what my logical path was to get there, but that was the conclusion and it meant a lot to me. It still means a lot to me. I often wonder, put in different ways, if I should be aspiring to be something more, something greater, or something smaller, something less. Both seem difficult, which doesn’t make it any easier to choose.

The Greater option would be a life full of signs of success. Fame, money, power. The Smaller option would be shedding the desire for those things and working on being satisfied by less. So that night on the red bench I chose the Small Life. And I still think I was right in a way, although I have something to add now.

It seems so much more fulfilling to be the David Suzuki, the Albert Einstein of the picture rather than some Nobel Prize winner who may have done more for the world on his own terms, but remained detached from it. It’s too cold. If regular people can’t “get” you, then what are you doing in the world, really? It’s only partially related but I remember this quote from Franny and Zooey where Mrs. Glass says to one of the kids, “I don’t know what good it is to know so much and be smart as whips and all, if it doesn’t make you happy.”

I am certainly not selling happiness. Happiness is a hormone, as far as I’m concerned. But seriously, what good is knowing anything if you can’t share it with people who wouldn’t otherwise have access to those ideas, with the mainstream?

My goal is the middle.

For me, this is part mission, part consolation. It makes a lot of sense to me, personally, and so like my choice of the Smaller Life, I’ll carry it forward. At the same time, I can’t seriously aspire to maximum achievement in life because I’d need to be smarter, more self-disciplined, richer, more ambitious, more energetic, more obsessive, etc. And I can’t possibly aspire to minimum achievement because, honestly, it’s too late for that. I’ve seen stuff, tasted things and thought things I can’t erase to go backwards. So, essentially, this is the most convenient path for me, and at the same time I really believe in it.

So I just thought I’d share :)

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Tuve una conversación con mi amigo Luis hace algunos años, en un club de música electrónica. Tuve conversaciones bastante buenas sentada en ese banco de plush rojo que recorría el club, mientras los demás bailaban. Yo nunca bailé. Simplemente me sentaba en el banco –incluso dormí una siesta una vez- y conversaba con el que quisiera un respiro del baile.

Así que tuve esta conversación con Luis en la cual le expresé mi naciente teoría en ese momento acerca de por qué la Mejor Vida es la Vida Pequeña. Desafortunadamente no me acuerdo de cómo llegué a esa conclusión, pero ésa fue y era importante para mí. Aún lo es. Me suelo preguntar, de diferentes manera, si debería aspirar a ser algo más, algo más grande, o al contrario, si debería aspirar a algo más pequeño, algo menos. Ambos caminos son difíciles, lo cual no lo hace muy fácil de elegir.

La opción Más sería una vida llena de signos externos de éxito. Fama, plata, poder. La opción Menos sería eliminar el deseo de esas cosas y trabajar en estar satisfecha con el mínimo. Así que esa noche sobre el banco rojo elegí la Vida Pequeña. Y sigo creyendo que tenía razón de alguna manera, aunque tengo algo que agregar ahora.

Me parece tanto mejor ser el David Suzuki, el Albert Einstein de la película, en vez del ganador del Premio Nobel que puede haber hecho más por el mundo a su manera, pero que se mantuvo distante de él. Es demasiado frío. Si la gente normal no te entiende, seriamente, dime ¿qué haces en el mundo? Sólo está levemente relacionado pero me acordé de una cita de Franny y Zooey, cuando la Sra. Glass le dice a uno de los hijos:

- No sé de qué les sirve saber tanto y ser tan inteligentes si no los hace felices.

Ciertamente no estoy vendiendo felicidad acá. En mi opinión, la felicidad es apenas una hormona. Pero en serio, ¿de qué sirve saber cosas si no las puedes compartir con la gente que de otra manera no tendría acceso a esas ideas; con el mainstream?

Mi meta es el medio.

Para mí, esto es en parte misión, en parte consuelo. Me hace sentido, y por eso, como mi elección por la Vida Pequeña, seguiré este camino. A la vez, no puedo seriamente aspirar a los logros máximos en la vida porque tendría que ser más inteligente, más auto-disciplinada, más rica, más ambiciosa, más energética, más obsesiva, etc. Y no puedo aspirar al mínimo porque, seamos sinceros, es tarde para eso. He visto cosas, probado cosas, pensado cosas, que no puedo borrar para retroceder. Así que, esencialmente, este es el camino más conveniente para mí, y a la vez, realmente creo en él.

Así que pensé que lo compartiría con ustedes.

I love NY in June. I love a Gershwin tune.

I don’t believe in destiny. I don’t believe in love. I don’t believe that anything will ever be enough. –OMD

Should the New Year start in the Spring? I remember in Chile, it certainly seemed to begin in the Fall: March. The weather in the northern hemisphere makes it feel like new beginnings, so why not? And since I don’t like resolutions, because I’m panicked by the thought of making a promise I can’t keep and disappointing myself and others, I’ve decided to just change the ritual. How about all the good things that I accomplished or that happened to me last year?

Here they are:
- I quit smoking. I wanted to do it before my 30th birthday and I did it almost 3 months before that date.
- I got a job that paid better, was less demanding and offered long-term security. And I never had to be unemployed, since I found this job while I was still at the previous one.
- I got all my money back for the excess of rent I paid on the Prudhomme apartment for over a year, and I moved out without penalty.
- I got an apartment in the Plateau with a rent that doesn’t require me to fork over all of my available cash just to live somewhere.

I guess this is just an exercise in “counting blessings” but I believe it works. I believe I’m responsible for influencing how I feel about my life. You know, like, you could be super successful and still not be happy with yourself or you could have a very simple job and love it. It’s up to you. That’s the sort of thing I agree with. Did you know that hairdressers have the highest rate of job satisfaction in England and Djs have among the lowest? Read it on Jonty Skrufff. If you ask me, the thing to do is find where on the ambition scale is the most authentic for me, and then aim for that. I can’t pretend I’d be happy as a hairdresser, even if I wish I could be happy with a life that simple. And I can’t pretend that I’d be happy aspiring to be a CEO or something because I think that just sucks. So somewhere in between, I need to find out where I am. I guess not everyone needs to do this. Just the lucky ones ;)